Going Back

After a couple of months of floundering around and trying to decide what I wanted to do with my life, I decided to start the long process of returning to my community that I had been going to most my life. After all, (in my mind at the time) it seemed the only logical thing to do. The only reason I'd left in the first place was because I just wanted to do what I wanted with my life. Going out into the world was scary and unstable for me and returning to everything I knew and loved seemed the best.

So I told my Mom what I wanted to do and at the time, she was still there, apart of the community, though she was still only attending Friday night meetings. So she encouraged it, which post thought and action, we are both sorry we made that decision. It only led to more pain and hurt. But at the time, it seemed the right thing for both of us!

I called the elder who was over the Friday night group that my Mom was attending and I scheduled a meeting with him and another leader of the community. At the meeting, we talked about what had happened, my bad choices and what I was wanting to do with my life. I pretty much told them that I just wanted to pursue being able to come back to meetings and to join the community. They gave me some outlines on what would be required of me; weekly calls to "check in" and honesty and vulnerability in my conversations with my Mom and the elders. Live by the rules and soon I'd be back, they said.

So I began my journey. It wasn't a long one, actually. I started calling my pastor's wife almost on a daily basis. We became friends, and even to this day, I miss talking to her. It's not so much that the people are bad, it's the theology, the rules, the regulations and the lack of following God, and following rules made by man, that makes this community not what God wants. As time passed, I got invited to go to my pastor's wife's house and I started helping her around the house and cleaning, ironing and cooking. As the relationship built, more honesty and trust was built. I believe it was about 2 months after my initial meeting with the elders that I got invited to a Friday night meeting.

Now, something I have dealt with since leaving the final time, is actually distinguishing the Voice of God, from the voice of man. I have found myself questioning what is God and what isn't, and I have no claim to being perfect in this area. It's one that I still struggle with, but one I am gaining more "experience" in, if you want to say it like that. But there are times in my life that I know I've heard God and I know that He's spoken to me. And as strange as it might sound, I feel confident God wanted me to return for a short time. When I went back, I had no clue it would only be for a little more than a year, but it was a season in my life that needed to happen.

As I got more and more involved with the community, I got invited to go to nightly prayer meetings up at the church with some of the girls and women of the church. I went and it was an exciting time for me. I still look back on those nights and remember the power of God moving in my heart and feeling refreshed after my meetings with Him. My heart was really to search after God and do His will. I know it must not make too much sense, because of how this community is designed, but I want to remind you that I honestly thought that God was there and spoke through these people. I'm not even going to go as far as to say that God didn't speak through them at times. I mean, if God can speak through a donkey (Numbers 22: 21-39) then He can speak through anyone, right?!

I remember one particular night, I was up at the prayer rooms praying. I was feeling so close to God and I remember Him saying He wanted me to be a Moses. I didn't realize what He was speaking and to this day, I am not sure exactly what all that entails. I am hoping it entails the vision He has given me for Los Angeles, California. One day, around the time when I was 15 years old, I was with my family and we were taking a trip out to California to see my extended family. We were flying from DFW to LAX and from there, to our final destination. As we were flying over Los Angeles, my heart suddenly began to pound, my eyes filled with tears and I was very confused as to my feelings. I felt a heaviness, yet an excitement and I felt a whisper, "This is your home. This is where you will be. I have plans for this city and I want you to be apart of it." At the time I actually brushed this off. I contributed it to the excitement of going on vacation and just my brain going nuts. What I didn't know, is that this excitement for this city, and the vision God has for it would continue to grow in my heart. It's still growing to this day and I still don't know exactly all the plans God has for me and mine with that city! But I'm confident in the fact that someday, somehow we will be in that city and we are going to see miracles happen, people's lives changed, healed and restored and see people become victorious in Him! It's all so exciting! I hope some of this excitement I have for this city spreads to others too.

As each passing week continued and I delved more and more into praying, reaching out to God and wanting to hear His heart, I began the process of joining this community. Joining this community isn't as simple as going to a membership class, signing a paper and getting a few smiles, a hug and a "membership packet." It entails a whole lot more than that. But as I began this journey, I kept finding my heart not settled. I felt uncomfortable. I felt like I was sick to my stomach every time I would take another step forward towards becoming a member. But it was confusing to me, because I thought it was God wanting me to be here. So why was my heart not feeling peace?

I met with my pastor and his wife, and they gave me some literature (church books talking about the beliefs of the church, discipleship, leadership, etc) to read and pray over. Everything had to be prayed over.  That was the mantra, so to speak, there. "Have you prayed about it?" "Go pray about it." Now, while those sayings may be typical in the Christian world and something that is definitely good to do, something we should all do automatically, because God should be the center of our hearts and we should always want to know what His heart is for our every day lives. But this "pray about it" seems different. It was more a forced thing. And often, "praying about it" didn't mean actually hearing the Voice of God, rather praying until you agree with the brothers and "hear" what they think is the Voice of God. So I continued to read these books, highlight passages that spoke to me and would call almost on a daily basis to share with my pastor or his wife, what I was feeling, thinking and "hearing" from God. I am ashamed, a bit, at myself, because so often I really thought I was hearing from God. But as I look back now, I realize that I just wanted to fit in. I just wanted to get baptized and become a member. I wanted to begin my life as a full fledged member and just be apart of everything. I know that God had a purpose for that time and at times, I have struggled to see that purpose. But as time has passed, I have seen more and more that He has orchestrated all this beautifully. Not only have I been matured through this process, but I have gone through unspeakable pain and hurt. I have lost everything I had come to know and love. I have left everything behind to follow God. And when I have felt alone, He has reminded me of Ruth. There is always something that God will speak to you with from His word, to encourage you that you're not alone and He did no less for me. Every time I have felt discouraged and like I couldn't go on and would question Him on His plans for my life (which is ridiculous, right? Since His plans are always wonderful, unfathomable and great! My plans could never amount to what He has for me!) He would lead me to a verse, a story, a testimony in the Bible that would encourage me that I'm not alone!

So I continued to "press into God" and building a relationship with my pastor and his wife. Then things started to spiral out of control. The feeling of discontentment and unrest continued and thoughts started filling my mind as events out of my control began to pelt my everyday life.

....to be continued later!